In the quiet sunlight this morning, this thought came: What if the weariness comes from taking up burdens and carrying them on my back all day as I try to go about my business. Fear, self-reproach, disappointment, anger, shame – they are all like heavy rocks in my pack and not very conducive to leaping up to the high places!
Then my heart cries out to my Father God. I see my foolishness so clearly this morning as I never did as I staggered through yesterday. Why didn’t I run to Him and lay all these rocks down at His feet? Placed there, they could become an altar for my wounded pride, my self-sufficiency to die upon once more. Once again, I know the truth – Apart from Him, I can do nothing.
So why do I so often shrink back from drawing near?
Because… I'm mad at Him. For allowing all this pain. For not fixing it all years ago. I look around and everyone else looks so much closer to “done” in God’s oven. They look golden brown and ready. I feel like mush. My soul screams, “Why?” Why does it have to be like this? Why this road? Why these problems? Why?
And now, I need to go find a secret place and pour out the anguish of my soul. Now, I’m on my knees and undone. It is pain, but it is a good pain because instead of a pain that sits like a rock on soul, it is a pain that pours out and leaves behind the absence of heaviness, something that feels like peace. In this place, He asks me a question. Why is not important here. The question is this: “Will you trust Me?”
I weep on Jesus’ feet and know that He was here before me. I look at the pain, poured out all around me, and I look at Him. I know Him to be faithful. I know Him to be good. I look in my heart and I know that I believe He will keep His promises. He will make it all right. He will even make all the pain worth it.
Of course I will trust Him. In the fits and starts of my slow-to-learn heart, I will trust Him. For me there is no choice. He is Life and Light and though I do not understand His ways, I trust Him and His Love – for me, for the ones I love and for all the souls who cry out “Why?”.